I've never been good with commitments. I run as far as I can, as long as I can.
The longest I've ever committed to a job was 3 years, and even though I utterly regret it, I still can't deny the fact that I left because I didn't want to take the extra responsibility at a lower remuneration. Yeah, as a degree holder I should have pursued a higher paying job, but an offer was on the table, and it only boiled down to whether or not I wanted to wait.
Fast forward a year, I still can't say I'm happy with where I am or what I'm doing with my life, but I'm not unhappy either. I'm... contented? I'm not sure if contented is the right word. But I try my best to enjoy every single day of my life, getting enough rest, spending more time with family and friends, finding my faith again.
This year has been challenging, but awakening for me as well. I'm still trying to find inspiration to stay positive in everything, be it at work or at home. But no one is perfect and things don't just change overnight. We've to put in the work.
A few months ago at church service, my pastor spoke about working on our salvation. If we don't "force" ourselves to go to church every Sunday, or just being part of a community that will help to keep you accountable and grounded, how would you grow in your Faith?
Some may argue that your walk with God is personal, and you are accountable to only Him. Which is true, but what happens when you're struggling? Not just addiction, but in your daily life. When you're facing ethical issues when it comes to work, the choices you have to make. With a community, you know that there are people standing with you and walking the same walk with you, running the same race.
Yes, you can fight and choose to abide in The Word alone, but that is one lonely journey as compared to having at least one other person fighting alongside you, who will encourage you and be there for you.
We are not perfect. We never will be. Every day is a battle that you have to choose to fight. You choose to abide in Him, you make choices that reflect the beauty of the Lord. Yes, there are times where you don't, there are times you question every single decision you make.
The past year has been incredibly awful for me. Everything in my life was going wrong - my job to my health. There were so many instances where I even questioned God. Why me, why this, why now? I didn't want to go to church, because I just couldn't feel His presence in my life anymore. I even blamed Him for all the mess that's been going on. Then one day at church I was talking to my cousin, who told me to pray about it. Just one word. Pray.
It sounds bizarre, but that was all it took for me to continue fighting. Without a community, without someone who cared, someone who not only encourages, but challenges me to be more aware of my daily choices. It becomes a lifestyle, and not yes or no, do or don't.
Faith is like working out or going on a diet. You have to work. Find the inspiration and motivation to keep going. If there's no effort put in, you won't work out. You won't keep your diet plans.
Every day I am thankful for my community who gives me the strength and motivation to keep fighting for my Faith. Without my community that spurs each other on every single day, I am not sure where I'd be right now - depressed and alone.
Today as we commemorate the crucifixion and death of Christ at Calvary, I just want to be thankful for all the blessings He has showered upon me. I'm thankful for an entire family that has all been saved, for a tight knitted community in Church whom I know I can depend on to push me through my limits and rebukes me in love. For colleagues turned friends who share the same Faith, who knows the struggles of living by the Word.
This weekend, I just want to be extremely thankful and grateful for all the mercies and kindness that I am blessed enough to have in my life. And every day on after continue to live in thankfulness.
Sorry for the word vomit, I just needed a space to vent a little.
Have a blessed weekend :)